a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
