I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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