the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize