the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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