i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize