Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
