I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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