So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Randomize
