I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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