I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
