dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
