I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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