Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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