Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
