no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
