So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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