its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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