Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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