I'm sorry my penis didn't work
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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