I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
