The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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