So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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