i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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