I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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