I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
