Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
