my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
