his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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