I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
