My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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