Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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