the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Terrible idea I love it
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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