Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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