don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize