She said her name was "party"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
