My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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