What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
