I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
