btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You smell like stripper and shame
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
