I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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