omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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