You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
