its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
