I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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