the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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