you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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