captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
