Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
