So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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