I accidentally burped into my bong.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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