i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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