If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize