He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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