Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
