Me. At least after what I've been through.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
