There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
