he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
