Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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