is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
