girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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