If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
