Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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