I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
