If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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