and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
