I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
