He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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