to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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