I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
