Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
