Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
