OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
