I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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