i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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