You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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