Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize